Estate Planning Blog Articles

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How Grandparents Can Set Boundaries for Providing Childcare

More American grandparents are becoming part-time—or even full-time—caregivers for their grandchildren. Whether helping after school, covering childcare during work hours, or serving as emergency backup, grandparents are becoming vital to their families’ routines and the broader economy.

According to a recent Harris Poll, more than half of American grandmothers provide some form of childcare, often without pay. While many cherish this time with their grandchildren, long-term caregiving can create physical, emotional and financial strain. That’s why it’s so important for grandparents to set boundaries that honor their limits, promote clear expectations and preserve healthy family relationships.

The Importance of Boundaries in Grandparent Caregiving

Grandparents often provide childcare out of love, necessity, or both. However, when caregiving becomes expected or overly demanding, it can lead to feelings of resentment, exhaustion and conflict. Setting boundaries is not about withdrawing support—it’s about ensuring that help is sustainable, respectful and based on mutual understanding.

Boundaries help define:

  • How often and when care will be provided
  • What responsibilities are assumed (meals, transportation, homework help)
  • Which behaviors or expectations are not acceptable (late pickups, lack of appreciation)
  • How changes to the arrangement will be communicated

Without these conversations, assumptions can develop on both sides. What starts as a short-term favor may become a long-term commitment that interferes with the grandparents’ personal plans, health, or finances.

Communicating Expectations Clearly

The first step in setting boundaries is to engage in open and honest communication. Grandparents should feel comfortable stating their availability and any limitations they may have. It’s helpful to approach the conversation with kindness and flexibility, while still being transparent about what works and what doesn’t.

Some families benefit from putting the arrangement in writing, especially if the caregiving is long-term or full-time. While it may feel overly formal, this document can prevent misunderstandings and clarify roles, responsibilities, and compensation, if applicable.

Establishing rules around discipline, screen time and routines is also essential, particularly if the grandparent has different parenting values than the child’s parents.

Protecting Your Health and Financial Security

Caring for grandchildren can be physically and emotionally demanding. Grandparents should consider whether the role affects their ability to manage their own health, attend appointments, or maintain social connections.

Financial concerns are also key. Retirees on fixed incomes may not be able to absorb added expenses like transportation, meals, or missed work without planning. Those who care for grandchildren full-time may need legal guidance to access benefits, claim tax credits, or address guardianship issues.

An elder law attorney can help grandparents understand their rights, protect their resources, and navigate complex caregiving arrangements, especially if they are providing primary care for a child.

Encouraging Healthy Multigenerational Relationships

When boundaries are respected, caregiving strengthens bonds across generations. Children benefit from the love, wisdom and stability that grandparents provide. Parents get peace of mind and trusted support. Grandparents also enjoy meaningful time with their families, while preserving their independence and well-being.

The key is to treat caregiving as a shared responsibility, not a one-sided expectation. Regular check-ins, appreciation and adjustments as needs change help maintain a healthy, cooperative relationship.

Key Takeaways

  • Boundaries prevent burnout: Defining limits helps ensure that caregiving remains a positive and sustainable experience.
  • Clear communication avoids conflict: Honest conversations about expectations create mutual understanding and respect.
  • Health and finances must be protected: Grandparents should evaluate how caregiving affects their well-being and seek legal guidance when needed.
  • Written agreements can help: Formalizing roles and responsibilities may reduce misunderstandings in long-term caregiving arrangements.
  • Healthy caregiving strengthens families: When boundaries are respected, grandparents can support their families without sacrificing their own needs.

References: The Harris Poll (March 8, 2023) “Are Grandmothers Who Provide Childcare Key in Driving the U.S. Economy? and Raising Children Network (September 26, 2024) “Grandparents: Roles and Boundaries”

Should You Agree to Being a Guardian?

Yes, it is an honor to be asked to be the guardian of someone’s children. However, you’ll want to understand the full responsibilities involved before agreeing to this life-changing role. A recent article from Kiplinger, “3 Key Things to Consider Before Agreeing to Be A Guardian in a Trust,” explains.

For parents, this is one of the most emotional decisions they have to make. Assuming a family member will step in is not a plan for your children. Naming a guardian in your will needs to be carefully and realistically thought out.

For instance, people often first think of their own parents. However, grandparents may not be able to care for a child for one or two decades. If the grandparent’s own future plan includes downsizing to a smaller home or moving to a 55+ community, they may not have the room for children. In a 55+ community, they may also not be permitted to have minor children as permanent residents.

What about siblings? A trusted aunt or uncle might be able to be a guardian. However, do they have children of their own, and will they be able to manage caring for your children as well as their own? You’ll also have to be comfortable with their parenting styles and values.

Other candidates may be a close friend of the family, who does not have children of their own. An “honorary” aunt or uncle who is willing to embark on raising your children might be a good choice.  However, it requires careful thought and discussion.

Financial Considerations. What resources will be available to raise the children to adulthood? Do the parents have life insurance to pay for their needs, and if so, how much? Are there other assets available for the children? Will you be in charge of managing assets and children, or will someone else be in charge of finances? You’ll need to be very clear about the money.

Legal Arrangements. Is there a family trust? If so, who is the successor trustee of the trust? What are the terms of the trust? Most revocable trusts include language stating they must be used for the “health, education, maintenance, and support of beneficiaries.” However, sometimes there are conditions for use of the funds, or some funds are only available for milestones, like graduating college or getting married.

Lifestyle Choices. You’ll want to have a complete understanding of how the parents want their children to be raised. Do they want the children to remain in their current house, and has an estate plan been made to allow this to happen? Will the children stay in their current schools, religious institutions or stay in the neighborhood?

In frank terms, simply loving someone else’s children is not enough to take on the responsibility of being their guardian. Financial resources need to be discussed and lifestyle choices must be clarified. At the end of the discussion, all parties need to be completely satisfied and comfortable. This kind of preparedness provides tremendous peace of mind.

Reference: Kiplinger (Nov. 17, 2022) “3 Key Things to Consider Before Agreeing to Be A Guardian in a Trust”

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